Idiotic invention

Dog tracking GPS units run out of energy when your hound has gone AWOL and you need it most. A propeller mounted on a hat fitted for a canine cranium converts wind power as they run, keeping the GPS unit powered whilst they're in the move.

People don't realise how grubby their toothbrush can get. So we'll make a miniature vacuum cleaner for it.

Without a place in the mobile market. A battery maker proposes a downloadable app that will charge your phone.

Everyone knows the true final form of a Peloton bike is an expensive clothes rack that nobody rides. Peloton proposes a stationary bike with a built-in garment-weight sensor on the handlebars that tracks how long clothes have been hanging there and escalates push notifications, guilt emails, and finally a live-streamed shame leaderboard until you actually ride it.

Our glue is secure and newly sustainable. We'll create a variant designed for eco warriors to help them stick themselves to things — properly.

People hated the new Puma. We'd take the hot air from critics on social to inflate and float one over the city.

Slow drinkers ruin everything. A pint pump system connects glasses to keep co-drinkers level.

Rewilding changed how we think about the natural world. Cravendale proposes a living breathing kitchen framework — cultivated growing and genuinely outdoors.

You've been tested for alcohol for years. But anger panic and extreme stress may be just as dangerous.

You can't stop them eating what they want. So we'll create nutrition labels telling you exactly what socks sneakers pants and other horrible things are doing to them.

Dandruff makes black unacceptable. Head & Shoulders proposes a detachable white fabric collar worn over your outfit — an actual wearable solution.

Garden robots belong to everyone. Husqvarna proposes a mower that travels between neighbours' gardens through a specially designed cat-flap in the fence — shared autonomous unstoppable.

After 150 years of making crumpets Warburtons finally releases the holes.

IKEA's wordless instructions have guided millions through furniture assembly without a single argument. IKEA proposes applying the same format to relationship breakups — numbered diagrams, one Allen key, and a shared possessions division chart included in every box.

Nicks and cuts happen most on the mornings that matter — job interviews, first dates, funerals — because nervous hands shake. Gillette proposes a razor with a pulse sensor in the handle that keeps the blade retracted until your heart rate drops to a safe, steady level.

Volvo has spent seventy years engineering cars to absorb impact before it reaches you. Volvo proposes a home retrofit kit that applies the same crumple-zone padding to stair banisters, table corners, and doorframes, sold with a professional installation certificate.

Tinder already lets users verify their photos are real, but height remains the one stat nobody can prove and everyone lies about. Tinder proposes a mail-order brass doorframe plate and ink stamp, so users can self-administer an official height certification directly onto their profile photo.

Red Bull gives you wings, but never mentions that the wings are on a four-hour lease. Red Bull proposes a vending machine that logs the exact time of purchase and, once the caffeine window closes, automatically deploys a blanket and gently locks the customer into a padded recovery booth until the crash has safely passed.

Every parent knows that stepping on a LEGO brick barefoot produces a scream more effective than any alarm system on the market. LEGO proposes a modular brick-tile carpet, installed beneath windows and back doors, sold as a certified home security upgrade.

Nike's air cushioning has always promised comfort with every stride, but comfort is exactly what makes runners slack off. Nike proposes a GPS-linked running shoe that vents its air cushioning flat the instant your pace drops below your personal best, restoring the cushioning only once you speed back up.

Airbnb's entire trust system depends on guests leaving honest reviews, but most people skip it the second they're back home. Airbnb proposes a smart lock that won't unlock the front door for your next booking until you've submitted a star rating and written review of your previous stay.

LinkedIn's green "Open to Work" banner already tells your entire network you're job hunting, whether you like it or not. LinkedIn proposes a wearable version — a clip-on badge that displays the same banner in real life, visible to baristas, bus drivers, and recruiters on the street.

Red Bull has promised that it "gives you wings" for over three decades without anyone actually testing that claim. Red Bull proposes a vending machine installed at cliff edges, rooftops, and bridges that dispenses a wingsuit alongside your can, no licence or training required.

Every December, Spotify Wrapped turns a year of private listening into a public spectacle users can't opt out of. Spotify proposes a wearable neck-speaker that plays whatever you're streaming out loud in real time, everywhere you go, so your taste is always on display and never just yours.

Rolex has always said you never truly own a Rolex, you merely look after it for the next generation. Rolex proposes a smartwatch that reads your heart rate and vitals to calculate your actuarial life expectancy, displaying a live countdown on the dial until the watch passes to your children.

Duolingo's app already escalates from gentle reminders to guilt-laden threats the moment you skip a lesson. Duolingo proposes a dispatched, costumed representative who knocks on your door and sits across from you at the kitchen table until the day's lesson is complete.

Google Maps has spent over a decade quietly logging every address you've ever lived at, visited, or lingered outside. Google Maps proposes a "Sentimental Route" toggle that automatically detours your daily commute past former homes, ex-partners' houses, and childhood schools, regardless of the added time or your consent.